There's something so insidious about this situation. I just want to stamp it out before I move on even though I know it's just better to shrug it off.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about coaching and in particular, whether or not it's reasonable to tell someone to just go for it in order to learn something correctly. It's important to realize that not everyone instinctively understands movements and people have varying amounts of coordination. How can you just "go for it" if you don't know what you're doing? Personally, I've experienced a lot of problems with this too. I need cues that I can focus on and these cues need to be good enough that they utilize normal movements I'm already used to. It's like having this limited bank of muscle memory movements, and using cues to put them together in order to learn new combination movements. Clearly there are problems with "just going for it" if you do it wrong. I can think of quite a few people who need to dial it back and learn movements slowly but correctly...

Additionally, being able to do a movement slowly or even holding a position is very differently from being able to execute quickly and strongly. There are multiple aspects that make these different:

1. You are getting totally different proprioceptive input from your muscles. Strength/velocity of contraction becomes additional sensory input that your brain must learn to interpret.
2. Different forces are acting upon the joint and/or limb. Rather than just resisting gravity, you have to resist your own momentum. This means that you need to activate antagonistic muscles to decelerate and, once again, that means more new sensory input and the need to control more muscles. 
3. You're recruiting and training different muscle fiber types. 
4. Eccentric contraction vs isometric contraction.

Just inherently, it should be obvious that holding a position vs stopping a movement are two very different actions.

I also really need to learn to stay calm so I can use my brain when I argue. The instant I get angry or upset, it's like science leaves u my brain and I don't know how to make evidence-based arguments, haha.

Lastly, I have a huge problem with the attitude that you have to "overcome your body's weakness" or anything that's similar to "no pain, no gain". If someone is struggling, to tell them that they aren't trying hard enough is an incorrect response. It's important to recognize why a person might feel uncomfortable with doing a move or hesitates to do it quickly. Confusion or hesitation during a dynamic movement is dangerous. 

Realized today that I shouldn't feel so bad about how slow my progress with wushu has been in the last decade or so after all I spent at least four years of that time, if not more, just trying to rehab from surgeries. From that perspective, I actually made a shit ton of progress going from a blown out knee to about status-quo, and then having to repeat that whole process one more time. I do think that I'm currently very close to where I was prior to the second surgery minus jump front kick aerial and tornado split. But that's okay, jumping will always be something I struggle with. Lately, I've just been disappointed with my progress in trying to develop explosiveness and control. Sometimes I see and feel glimpses of it but then sometimes I don't feel it at all.

I'm really not quite sure what's the best way to train for developing crispness because I feel like it's some combination of strength, rhythm, and stamina. Quick-twitch muscle could go a long way but it's also a lot about creating an illusion of speed and I have a track history of just going one-speed and somehow looking both slow and rushed. That's a great thought there, how is it possible to look both slow and rushed? 

Since the school year started, I made the decision to reflect and privately write about all my experiences related to medicine, and I think that was such an amazing decision for myself. There are a lot of ups and downs but more and more, I can see that the exercise has given me such clarity regarding my resolutions. At the moment, I can't help but feel that there is so much joy in ending the day thinking, "Yes, this is absolutely what I want to do with the rest of my life. I am exactly where I want to be."

Struggling to decide if I can go to team trials. The plane ticket is expensive, I have an exam on the Monday following weekend, and I don't have nandu. If I can manage to get front jump kick aerial by the the registration deadline? I don't know.

It's May 4th, 2015. I put my phone on silent mode for my morning classes and for unknown reasons, whether or not it will vibrate for a call (as it is supposed to do) is rather unpredictable. That day, my phone didn't move a single inch as I studied at my desk. At around 7 pm, I start to get ready for practice and once I'm done dressing, I look at my phone to see one voice mail. My heart jumps at the unknown number and DC area code but I immediately squash the hope--I had been falsely hopeful at unfamiliar area codes too many times already. But then I listen to the voicemail: 

"Tina, this is Dr. Ray Mitchell." 

My first thought was that I don't have a physician by that name, and so I began to believe that it might be an acceptance call. 

"Um, I hope this is a happy message for you but..." 

This "but" was perhaps one of the most nerve-wracking ones I've ever heard. I started to think that maybe this was some weird, bittersweet call about being moved to a high priority wait-list instead.

"I'm just--I get the pleasure as the dean to call and congratulate you that you will be getting the official email acceptance to the school of medicine."

At this point, my mind is racing and my hands are trembling uncontrollably. I was accepted somewhere and about to explode in utter joy, but I am now wholly preoccupied by one question, "WHICH SCHOOL OF MEDICINE?!"

"Congratulations, we want to see you here as a double Hoya in August. Call your folks."

I'm going to be a double Hoya. I'll always be a Terp at heart but I have no problems with adding blue and gray to my wardrobe. 

Epilogue: 

Of course, I then immediately run to Henry in the closet and replay the voice mail on speaker. I jump on him immediately in celebration and re-injure his back right before practice, doing some major damage--whoops. Searching "Ray Mitchell" on Google to confirm his position as dean is my next action because part of me can hardly believe it and suspects this could be some sort of elaborate, perverse hoax but the search confirms it. On the drive to practice, I call my mom who screams her congratulations through the phone and on an impulse, offers me the new car she just bought (I decline because I'm fairly sure she offered without thinking). At practice, I take the good news and ensuing confidence to attempt jump kicks for the first time in almost two years--I manage to do three thus, add to an amazing day. Afterwards, I listen to the voice mail maybe ten more times that night and manage to catch only four hours of sleep because I am too excited and hope the day never ends. 

I'm beginning to seriously doubt my ability to socialize with people uninvolved with wushu lol.

Sometimes it's hard to feel like I've accomplished anything important. Mainly, I struggle to feel good about where I am in regards to getting into med school and also about my progress in wushu. Usually when I falter in one, I turn to the other for a sense of accomplishment. But both goals seem so far away at the moment.

The frustration of medical school application is extremely consuming, and it is very difficult to keep optimistic. The possibility of going through another cycle and re-taking the MCAT is something I have a hard time coping with so I try to convince myself that the chance of it is very low. While getting six interviews helped my ego a little bit, being placed on five wait-lists is rather demoralizing. I rationalize that it is better than getting a post-interview rejection, but it still isn't an acceptance. Now, I'm pinning all my hopes on the last school but I imagine that the potential disappointment would be crushing.

Wushu has also been a fairly bittersweet experience. It's very hard to keep myself from wondering what would have happened if only I had avoided tearing my ACL again, which isn't exactly a healthy mental exercise. I hate that I had been making so much progress and then screwed it up only a few days before competition. When I cried after it happened, it was out of sheer disappointment rather than any physical pain. And at this point in time, I just feel so incredibly impatient. I know that my knee isn't ready for jumps, but it frustrates me because I feel so close to that tipping point. Something inside me feels like it's going to explode if I can't go all out in training soon. I'm also struggling to decide whether or not I want to go to team trials despite all of this. Do I go just for the sake of participating? But would I be able to feel good about my performance even though I can't put 100% into my training?

Instant separation anxiety but thankfully we remembered to leave me some t-shirts that smell like you.

Lately, coaching has been more and more of a burden. I am extremely burned out and struggling with seeing such an overwhelming lack of motivation every practice.  I very much miss the days of training with people striving to do better.

In the grand scheme of things, I'm sure my family problems are inconsequential. I know I could have worse problems but I'm so angry right now.

I have always known that despite my ethnicity, I have few qualities commonly associated with the Chinese culture. Most of all, I lack a sense of familial obligation. Sometimes this is glaringly obvious to me when I am around other families. Abstractly, I understand the idea and recognize the virtues of supporting family no matter how tedious the task. But I don't feel drawn to be around my family--it's quite the opposite actually. Of course I can say that I love my parents but most times it feels like I'm just throwing out the word as a substitute for "thanks for raising me and that's about it". I have almost no desire to be around my family and while of course I wouldn't want to do without them, I would rather appreciate that fact from very afar.

Why am I this way? Most of the time, I blame the way I was raised. I would think that loyalty to your parents is a value that can only be instilled. But I don't think I ever developed respect for my parents. I used to feel connected to my mom for all the time she put in supporting me but as I grew older, she turned petty and immature in my eyes trying to deal with my little sister and her slew of issues. My dad on the other hand, I have never felt his personal support. Yes, he does all the important things like provide money and health insurance. But I suppose between the terrible fights my parents had while I was a kid and his lacking presence in any of the things I pursued (school, wushu, whatever), I never saw him with respect or admiration. He wasn't cold, but so completely self-involved, flighty, and utterly fickle. He's the type of dad that pretends to be there for you but as soon as something inconveniences him, he wants out and will just abandon the task at hand.

So there lies the issue, that I feel like I don't owe my parents for anything that I have accomplished to date. Of course I know that I owe them for the socioeconomic class we're in so I went to great schools and I'm lucky to have good health insurance and the resources to be involved in extracurricular activities as a kid. But I suppose I take those things for granted and can only feel the lack of emotional involvement or support. I'm just so tired of thinking I should try reaching out to them and when I try to ask for help, I get my hand slapped away. The fact that my dad keeps a scorecard and tells me I owe him for things like living in his house just makes me so bitter and hateful. I just want to cut my ties completely when he says I'm indebted to him.

Lately, I've been wondering how much I've let my injuries and surgeries define me. On one hand, the experiences were serious and altered my life. But there's a part of me that says, "this is nothing compared to what others have gone through". So were those experiences meaningful or just randomly unfortunate? Should I consider those events to be crucibles in my life? I'm not sure. Mostly, I think I just don't know if I should let those experiences be what distinguishes me from other people.

I went to my five-year high school reunion and it was just weird to get a feel for people's impression of me. When I was talking to one old classmate about applying to medical school, he looked at me and said "of course it's the jocks and athletes that want to go into orthopedics". It made me think, "aw crap, am I a jock?" But the experience made me even more aware of how much wushu and my injuries define who I am to people who aren't close to me.

I miss you so much right now. Can we agree that we'll always go on vacations together from now on?  It's hard to come home when you're not there waiting for me. The best part of my day is when we both come home and unwind, but it'll be another week and some until you come back :[.

More and more this past week, I've been thinking about how amazing it is that I have you in my life and that I know you love me too. It feels like I have a miracle in you. I'll never stop being grateful for you and I hope it shows.

Gifts from Henry

Just thought about gifts in general today and then decided to make a list of things Henry's gotten me over the years just so I don't forget :]

• Very first gift: penguin pajama pants!
• Gambit comics! - 2009 bday
• puma shoes (commodore?) - 2009 xmas
• Fourth Hokage & frog wallet - 2010 anniversary?
• boyfriend pillow - 2010 bday
• canada (montreal?) mug & Oh! Henry chocolate bars :D
• comforter & laptop case - 2010 xmas
• st.thomas bracelet - 2011 anniversary?
• st.thomas bikini t-shirts - 2011 bday
• batarang & san diego trip - 2011 xmas
• domo!
• st.thomas trip - 2012 anniversary 
• metal straightsword 2012 bday
• nexus tablet - 2012 xmas
• OC beach trip - 2013 anniversary
• cranium - 2013 bday
• darkside skittles, rebelle nerf gun, thermal socks and tights, pin art! - 2013 xmas
• jewelry - 2014 valentine's day
• las vegas trip - 2014 anniversary
• silver chains - 2014 bday
• SSD - 2014 xmas
• Zaytinya restaurant 2015 anniversary
• party and dewshine 2015 bday
• transformer book 2016 bday (early!)
• Headphones 2017
• Back massager 2017
• heads up goat? restaurant anniversayr 2018
• penguin pants! xmas 2018
• 
  

FUCK THIS PAST WEEK. I FEEL SO GODDAMN AWFUL.

dream

Just because this was unbearably cute and I want to make sure I don't forget about it:

This morning when we woke up, he tole me he had a dream where there was some sort of emergency/apocalyptic event occurring and everyone was evacuating. He frantically tried to find me but he couldn't figure out where I was. Finally, he's at the edge of the city but doesn't want to leave without me so he's thinking, "where is she?!" He looks around and then realizes that I was right next to him the entire time but I was on my tablet, zoned out reading a book or playing a game (probably candy crush). Lol <3  

three little words

...just so I remember the date: April 7, 2013

I'm not going to be the better person. There's just too much history and too many old grudges I've never gotten over. I'm going to get irrational, and no one can tell me I should try to be the better person. This is the one part of me that will always be ugly. I know that family is family. But I don't owe it to them to "fix" anything. Her happiness is not my responsibility.

We need to take a break from the videogames...

This is the first time I've ever entertained thoughts of leaving terpwushu. It feels a little sad but why I do I think there's so much relief on the other side?