Sometimes it's hard to feel like I've accomplished anything important. Mainly, I struggle to feel good about where I am in regards to getting into med school and also about my progress in wushu. Usually when I falter in one, I turn to the other for a sense of accomplishment. But both goals seem so far away at the moment.

The frustration of medical school application is extremely consuming, and it is very difficult to keep optimistic. The possibility of going through another cycle and re-taking the MCAT is something I have a hard time coping with so I try to convince myself that the chance of it is very low. While getting six interviews helped my ego a little bit, being placed on five wait-lists is rather demoralizing. I rationalize that it is better than getting a post-interview rejection, but it still isn't an acceptance. Now, I'm pinning all my hopes on the last school but I imagine that the potential disappointment would be crushing.

Wushu has also been a fairly bittersweet experience. It's very hard to keep myself from wondering what would have happened if only I had avoided tearing my ACL again, which isn't exactly a healthy mental exercise. I hate that I had been making so much progress and then screwed it up only a few days before competition. When I cried after it happened, it was out of sheer disappointment rather than any physical pain. And at this point in time, I just feel so incredibly impatient. I know that my knee isn't ready for jumps, but it frustrates me because I feel so close to that tipping point. Something inside me feels like it's going to explode if I can't go all out in training soon. I'm also struggling to decide whether or not I want to go to team trials despite all of this. Do I go just for the sake of participating? But would I be able to feel good about my performance even though I can't put 100% into my training?