It's been almost three years since my ACL recon. They say that it takes two years before you start to feel normal. But the secret is that when you have to deal with a problem for more than two years, it becomes normal. You become habituated to the chronic pain and increased limitations and weakness of your body. Suddenly, you find yourself saying, "Oh, it's just my knee again," like a broken record. And it's not just a matter of pain, the experience morphs into a certain mindset and mental reflex. Your body develops this subconscious monster single-mindedly trying to avoid re-injury. It's like having an excuse to be a coward that no one, not even your own mind, can argue with. Who can fault you for being scared to push your limits if it means risking another surgery.

And it breaks my heart sometimes. I feel like I used to be so much braver. I miss being reckless and getting away with stupid stunts by the skin of my teeth. But the line separating challenge from risk is so much closer to my eyes now.